I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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