that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
