I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Randomize
