The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
