Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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