I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
