Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
