I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
