I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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