My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
