mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
