There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
