Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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