i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My feet surprised me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
