3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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