So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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