i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
