Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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