i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
