on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
