i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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