I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
