I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
