Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
