Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
