why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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