No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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