don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
