I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I supernannyed him into submission
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
