i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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