She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
