i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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