When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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