people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
