Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
