I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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