rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
