You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
