FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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