When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
