I want to walk on stilts...naked
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
