I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
