And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
