There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
