I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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