I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
