Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
