HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
