Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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