Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
His nipple licking is glorious
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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